Chapter 1.2
If it doesn’t reach my ears, then it doesn’t exist. I tried not to take things too seriously. Loving this job wholeheartedly was a foolish thing to do. Every declaration of love always comes with a knife.
You can’t love something destined to stab you in the back. Stories where dreams and hope alone lead to happiness only exist in novels.
[Who’s the blonde guy on Music Bank today?]
└[Reverb Sun Ye Jin]
└[Thx!] [1]
[For a boy group, their songs are surprisingly popular.]
…Why do good things inevitably turn bad?
[ㅋ ㅋ [2] maybe I’m just not the target audience. Even with all that money thrown in, it still feels cheap.]
[Ugh, ㅅㅂ [3] haven’t they changed the color of their fandom’s light sticks yet?]
[Why are there nine members? That’s way too many. Let’s cut it in half and kick out the ones who aren’t good-looking enough.]
[Who was that fan yelling Sun Ye Jin’s name, ignoring the cheer rules? ㅅㅇㅈ Did security step in?]
└[ㄴㄴ someone just elbowed them until they shut up ㅋㅋ]
└[ㅋㅋㅋ swift justice. Respect. ㅅㄱ]
Once, I’d mistaken all of this for hope.
After the comeback stage marking our third year, I completely lost all motivation to continue as an idol. How had I even ended up becoming an idol? Had I ever really enjoyed standing on stage?
Now, I couldn’t remember. The only clear memory was the thought that I had to debut for money. If it hadn’t been for that reason, losing my passion like this wouldn’t make sense.
“Sun Ye Jin.”
“……”
“Sun Ye Jin!”
The moment I got into the van after work, I collapsed like a corpse. I’d been the first to board and was already sprawled out when Cheon Tae Rim grabbed my shoulder and shook me without pity.
“Are you okay?”
“What?”
“You’re bleeding.”
“Huh?”
“Your nose is bleeding.”
I hadn’t even realized. Exhaustion had dulled my senses to the point where I didn’t notice the blood dripping from my nose.
I wiped the tip of my nose with my hand and saw dark red blood staining my palm. Seeing the blood made my already queasy stomach churn even more.
Cheon Tae Rim sat close to me, pulling me to lean my head against his shoulder. The way he guided me and held me felt strangely familiar.
Despite his sharp expression, Cheon Tae Rim always seemed to notice the smallest problems first, like he had some kind of built-in sensor. He was eerily good at realizing when something was off.
And now, it was no different. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have noticed the blood and would’ve collapsed from exhaustion, only to be found by someone else and dragged to the hospital.
“Don’t tilt your head back. Lean forward and block it with some tissue.”
“Ugh…”
“Are you feeling that bad?”
“Ugh…”
I ended up vomiting right on Cheon Tae Rim. Thankfully, I hadn’t eaten anything, so only bile came up, sparing him from a complete disaster. But for Tae Rim, it must have felt like lightning out of a clear sky.
“Drink some water.”
Even after I messed up his clothes, Tae Rim calmly supported me and even rummaged through the car for a bottle of water. He uncapped it for me.
The shirt I ruined was obviously a sponsored designer piece. Our stylist would probably scream when they saw it. I’d have to ask about the price later and pay for it myself.
I wanted to apologize for ruining his shirt, but I didn’t have the energy. My vision spun wildly. Having been under bright lights all day and then entering the dim van, it was hard to focus.
I think I muttered something to Cheon Tae Rim as I clung to him, but I couldn’t remember what. The sight of the blood had left me disoriented.
“Got it.”
“……”
“I’ll… do it for you…”
Even though my delirious mumbling made no sense, Cheon Tae Rim answered earnestly. The problem was, I couldn’t understand what he was saying.
“…I’ll take care of it for you.”
What was he saying? What was he going to take care of? I couldn’t collapse here. If an ambulance showed up, I’d be accused of making a fuss again. People would ask why I was the only one sick when the other members were fine, questioning the legitimacy of my exhaustion. Clinging to Tae Rim as my support, I closed my eyes again.
I didn’t want to do anything anymore.
I knew I shouldn’t feel that way. I understood it perfectly in my head, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.
I became an idol just to make money.
That was the only way I could manage to hold on. I kept telling myself that. The reason I decided to stand on stage, the reason I worked so hard to debut, was all for money.
Was it thanks to that conviction?
When I finally came to my senses, I was a veteran idol of 12 years with dead fish eyes, steeped in capitalism.
Translator’s Notes: Note/s:
[1] ↩
‘ㅋ ㅋ’ translates to ‘kk’ which is like ‘LOL’’ in English.
‘ㅅㅂ’ Initialism of 씨발 which is ‘ssibal’ or ‘fuck’ in English.
‘ㅅㅇㅈ’ likely referring to the initials of Sun Ye Jin (선예진)
‘ㄴㄴ’ is text slang for ‘no no’
‘ㅅㄱ’ is text slang for good work from ‘수고’
